I have come to a place in my life, this sort of hyper-awareness of my every thought. I plunge deeper into who I am and what my role here in this human-ness I am meant to play out, at least in this lifetime. I sit here, full of thoughts in a mind that creates so much beauty and tragedy at the same time. I sit here, feeling ripples of excitement for my life and for others lives. Scared about what is to come and all of the shifting that is taking place. I wonder why I worry about finding the perfect beloved to fill the spaces in between and why my own self is not always good enough. I sit here, looking out at the trees with the sounds of cars and trains fluttering by and wonder, why the noise?
I wonder, and wonder at how I got to this space. This space of form, which is space and which is form at the same time. I wonder why I wonder and where two forms meet there is space, yet space that is filled with something that seems so tangible and so real, yet it is not. I dance in this wonder, I bask in this wonder, I create all of this wonder. And then I realize, its all a dream....
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
The Concert of My Life
I don't know what it was~ the warm July evening that took me back to almost 6 years ago, her voice, or the continuous waves of emotion that flew through me with each cord that was strung on the guitar. I was overwhelmed when I heard Brandie Carlisle sing last week. We all know that nostaligic feeling when we hear a song that takes us back to a time, a place, or a person and we feel every bodily sensation and every emotion that comes along with it. I was standing in the middle of Red Rocks and literally felt the urge to have an emotional breakdown. I kept thinking of how crazy it all was being at one of the best venues in the country listening to one of my favorite musicians and all I could think of was finding a place where I could hide and ball my eyes out. So, here it is~ since that night, all I have wanted to do is write. And just like Brandie says in her song The Story, "All of these lines across my face, tell you the story of where I've been, so many stories of who I am..." Here is a part of my story....
I first heard Brandie Carlisle almost 5 years ago after moving to the PNW from Florida. It was right at my saturn return and one of the most intense and fucked up points in my life. I had left my heart in Germany, along with (at that time) the love of my life. For a year, I would struggle with mentioning his name. I couldn't even watch romantic movies or look at old pictures, but would cry through the hurt and heartache I felt over leaving my true soul's mate. On top of the heartache was all of my own transformation that was occurring, which I was completely unaware of. It was a very dark, intense, and introverted time in my life. I spent many years living alone and really had no choice but to face where I had come from, things I had done, and things that needed to be done. I found teachers and mentors that included modalities such as: yoga~psychotherapy~shamanic healing~and friends who were nothing short of the highest integrity to help whip me into shape. I don't know if there was a day I didn't cry. And, I don't know if there was a day that I didn't think of him and what we could have had together. And then there was Brandie, whose lyrics felt like the story book of my life. I blared her songs as I would write, cry, and process all that was happening for me. So last week, as I listened to Brandie live, it was surreal for me and a dream come true! I was suddenly transported back to that time of loss, deep healing, and integration. I could somatically sense things I had not worked through yet and the things I already had. I felt every pang in my heart of a lost love, all the tears I shed for my family, all of the healing that coursed through my veins from healing old ancestral patterns and trauma. And most of all, I felt grace and gratitude.
For many of the past 6 years since I left Germany, I have probably gone through every emotion that a human can possibly experience. Grief being the most prominent, anger towards men, forgiveness, loneliness... you name it and I have felt it, thank goodness! But in that moment, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude! I couldn't believe that I was in Colorado! I was all of the sudden taken back through the past 6 years to where I was right then and holy shit had I been through and done so much! And it was all because he, my soul's mate, was strong enough, we were strong enough, to let each other go. I felt a love so strong for him, stronger than when we were together, in that moment.
I had never experienced something so heart wrenching, besides my grandfather's death, as the day I left Germany. Two people letting go of each other because they know it is not right and to leave one another so each could follow their own dreams~ now that is love! I will never forget what it was like getting on the train with my head out the window as he wiped tears from my face, telling me not to cry. Well, I cried and cried... hell, I'm still crying!!! If it wasn't for that decision, I would not be who I am today. I would have followed someone else's dream and become someone other than my Self.
So, I stood there, listening to Brandie, thinking of that day and many after. I thought of everything I have accomplished and become these past 6 years. I started teaching yoga, moved to the beautiful PNW where I met my teacher/mentor, relationships with my parents have grown stronger, and I have healed. I met my two greatest teachers, my beautiful brothers :) I've learned to use my voice and have come into my own amazing self (I have to say, I'm pretty amazing!). I've touched the deepest parts of who I am and where I have come from and am ready to keep doing so, and so much more. I am these things and have done all of these things all because we let each other go. He let me go~which is what I used to say in anger, except with an exclamation point..."He just let me go!!!" And now I am grateful because I know it was out of love. I'm grateful for being strong enough to listen to my intuition and my guides and my HEART. It has been one of the most hardest things, listening to my heart. But, it has also been one of the most nourishing and fulfilling. I would never have seen what I have, been where I have, and become what I have without listening to my heart.
I'm grateful for being one of the many of us who has experienced true, real love. And because of this experience, I know I will find it again and settle for nothing less. And, I am grateful for this the most~ that I have broken a pattern that is not only ancestral, but deeply engrained in us all. The pattern of wandering off our own path for another. I share this story because I know others can relate. I share this in hopes of healing the past 7 generations and the next 7 generations that follow. I share this because it is deep and vulnerable and fucking beautiful! I share it to thank those of you who have helped to guide me and assist me on this path. I honor you all: Siggi, Char Sundust, my family, Bob & Ki, Frankie H., Chris R., Adell, and many others.... especially those who have sat in many circles with me over the years while witnessing our beauty unfold with each other. I honor and love each and every person I make contact with, because when I look at another, I am looking at Spirit and I learn, accept, and receive as much as I humanly can in each moment.
In Gratitude and With Love,
Heather
P.S.
I did reclaim my heart and the love I left in Germany. It all came back when I realized it never went anywhere... its been residing in my heart. I just had to remind her where it was and that it never will ever leave.....
I first heard Brandie Carlisle almost 5 years ago after moving to the PNW from Florida. It was right at my saturn return and one of the most intense and fucked up points in my life. I had left my heart in Germany, along with (at that time) the love of my life. For a year, I would struggle with mentioning his name. I couldn't even watch romantic movies or look at old pictures, but would cry through the hurt and heartache I felt over leaving my true soul's mate. On top of the heartache was all of my own transformation that was occurring, which I was completely unaware of. It was a very dark, intense, and introverted time in my life. I spent many years living alone and really had no choice but to face where I had come from, things I had done, and things that needed to be done. I found teachers and mentors that included modalities such as: yoga~psychotherapy~shamanic healing~and friends who were nothing short of the highest integrity to help whip me into shape. I don't know if there was a day I didn't cry. And, I don't know if there was a day that I didn't think of him and what we could have had together. And then there was Brandie, whose lyrics felt like the story book of my life. I blared her songs as I would write, cry, and process all that was happening for me. So last week, as I listened to Brandie live, it was surreal for me and a dream come true! I was suddenly transported back to that time of loss, deep healing, and integration. I could somatically sense things I had not worked through yet and the things I already had. I felt every pang in my heart of a lost love, all the tears I shed for my family, all of the healing that coursed through my veins from healing old ancestral patterns and trauma. And most of all, I felt grace and gratitude.
For many of the past 6 years since I left Germany, I have probably gone through every emotion that a human can possibly experience. Grief being the most prominent, anger towards men, forgiveness, loneliness... you name it and I have felt it, thank goodness! But in that moment, I was so overwhelmed with gratitude! I couldn't believe that I was in Colorado! I was all of the sudden taken back through the past 6 years to where I was right then and holy shit had I been through and done so much! And it was all because he, my soul's mate, was strong enough, we were strong enough, to let each other go. I felt a love so strong for him, stronger than when we were together, in that moment.
I had never experienced something so heart wrenching, besides my grandfather's death, as the day I left Germany. Two people letting go of each other because they know it is not right and to leave one another so each could follow their own dreams~ now that is love! I will never forget what it was like getting on the train with my head out the window as he wiped tears from my face, telling me not to cry. Well, I cried and cried... hell, I'm still crying!!! If it wasn't for that decision, I would not be who I am today. I would have followed someone else's dream and become someone other than my Self.
So, I stood there, listening to Brandie, thinking of that day and many after. I thought of everything I have accomplished and become these past 6 years. I started teaching yoga, moved to the beautiful PNW where I met my teacher/mentor, relationships with my parents have grown stronger, and I have healed. I met my two greatest teachers, my beautiful brothers :) I've learned to use my voice and have come into my own amazing self (I have to say, I'm pretty amazing!). I've touched the deepest parts of who I am and where I have come from and am ready to keep doing so, and so much more. I am these things and have done all of these things all because we let each other go. He let me go~which is what I used to say in anger, except with an exclamation point..."He just let me go!!!" And now I am grateful because I know it was out of love. I'm grateful for being strong enough to listen to my intuition and my guides and my HEART. It has been one of the most hardest things, listening to my heart. But, it has also been one of the most nourishing and fulfilling. I would never have seen what I have, been where I have, and become what I have without listening to my heart.
I'm grateful for being one of the many of us who has experienced true, real love. And because of this experience, I know I will find it again and settle for nothing less. And, I am grateful for this the most~ that I have broken a pattern that is not only ancestral, but deeply engrained in us all. The pattern of wandering off our own path for another. I share this story because I know others can relate. I share this in hopes of healing the past 7 generations and the next 7 generations that follow. I share this because it is deep and vulnerable and fucking beautiful! I share it to thank those of you who have helped to guide me and assist me on this path. I honor you all: Siggi, Char Sundust, my family, Bob & Ki, Frankie H., Chris R., Adell, and many others.... especially those who have sat in many circles with me over the years while witnessing our beauty unfold with each other. I honor and love each and every person I make contact with, because when I look at another, I am looking at Spirit and I learn, accept, and receive as much as I humanly can in each moment.
In Gratitude and With Love,
Heather
P.S.
I did reclaim my heart and the love I left in Germany. It all came back when I realized it never went anywhere... its been residing in my heart. I just had to remind her where it was and that it never will ever leave.....
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Unknown
I don't know about you, but I hate not "knowing". I don't think I even realized how much I don't appreciate the unknown until someone asked me what it would be like if I didn't know something I was pondering. So, the story goes.....
I took a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy training course over last weekend. It was amazing! I met some amazing women and my new community continued to grow and offer me support in my new transition. What I wasn't expected was this feeling of "oh man! This is another thing I want to do! It feels right and now what? I came her to attend Naropa and earn a degree in Psychology....". I've come to realize that I am a person who acts, or reacts immediately. When I sense that something is right, or what I want, I tend to go for it instead of sitting on it for a bit. This can be beneficial in some ways, but it usually fucks with me and I end up allowing the reacting to take over the present moment and what I am doing NOW. So, I felt torn. I started to question Naropa and why I would pay so much for an education when I could take this training, basically doing somatic therapy with people (which is what I want to do) and I could be certified in over a year and not even pay 1/4 of the amount I am going to owe for student loans once I finish my 5-6 years of college. I felt open, vulnerable, like I could do everything and anything, yet so fuckin' confused.... or was I really?
After the training one day, I asked to speak with the facilitator. She had shared her story of how she found Phoenix Rising. She moved to Boulder for Naropa and found this training and realized this was what she truly wanted. Sound familiar? I thought she might offer some insight and I felt that I just needed to talk through what I was feeling. The convo....
Me: "I'm confused. I feel like I'm going through the same thing you did and I know we have our own paths and what not, but I need some advice."
WS: "What would it be like if you didn't know what was going to happen? How does that feel for you?"
Me: after a pause, "I really hate that feeling! I want to know now what direction it is I am suppose to take!"
WS: "Do you have to act on this right now, I mean, can't you sit with it for a bit?"
Me: "I can't believe how uncomfortable this makes me, but yea, I guess I can."
I left that conversation trying to figure out what I was processing, what I was feeling and for the first time, realizing that I can't stand not knowing! That, in my past, I have reacted to things so quickly that I never even give myself a chance to think, or not think, about things. God!! I really couldn't believe it! I literally couldn't stop thinking about this for the rest of the night into the next morning.
So, like all great Sagittarian philosophers, I do my best thinking while taking a nice long shower ;) The next morning it came to me, while showering. Last December I took a trip to Hawaii (this is before I even thought about applying to Naropa). I was invited to sit with a medicine man who was trained in Peru and was hosting this inexplicable solstice ceremony. The ceremony was full of angelic singing, people sharing their stories, and sacred silence to process all that was coming through for us. I kept seeing these visions of Buddha, Buddha heads, the never-ending Buddhist knot.... I was being shown how to let go of my thoughts that cloud my intuitive thinking. It was amazing, but I had no freakin' clue what it meant. Why was I seeing Buddha? What did it mean for me? I wanted to know and couldn't stop thinking about those visions for weeks. Well, in the shower that morning, it hit me! Of course!!!!! I was being shown what was next for me on my path. For those of you who don't know, Naropa is a Buddhist inspired college and the program I am entering into is a Contemplative Psych. program. I applied to the program in late February, and am just NOW realizing the meaning, the KNOWING, of my visions.
My sitting with my new feelings of "what should I do now? What does this mean?" gave light to the unknown and then, I knew. I knew that going to Naropa was my next step. Maybe I will love it, maybe I won't. I DON'T KNOW and that's okay?! It's really ok not to know where I will be tomorrow, who I will be with, if I will love the same things that I love today the same way tomorrow. And, who fucking cares!!!! Right now is really all we have. In this moment, I'm listening to the air conditioning outside my house, watching Chloe chew on a huge branch that has fallen from the tree in the backyard, and I'm breathing the dry, warm Boulder air. Loving it!! Loving this new piece of myself and of life that I have discovered. Finally knowing what it feels like to be ok with not knowing a thing..... now swimming in the unknown refreshing sea. Will I still hate not knowing, probably. But, I think that now I know that not knowing is even more exciting! If we knew everything that was going to happen, then we would have control and the mystery would be out of a job :) I hand it all over to the mystery.... actually, we ARE the mystery......
I took a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy training course over last weekend. It was amazing! I met some amazing women and my new community continued to grow and offer me support in my new transition. What I wasn't expected was this feeling of "oh man! This is another thing I want to do! It feels right and now what? I came her to attend Naropa and earn a degree in Psychology....". I've come to realize that I am a person who acts, or reacts immediately. When I sense that something is right, or what I want, I tend to go for it instead of sitting on it for a bit. This can be beneficial in some ways, but it usually fucks with me and I end up allowing the reacting to take over the present moment and what I am doing NOW. So, I felt torn. I started to question Naropa and why I would pay so much for an education when I could take this training, basically doing somatic therapy with people (which is what I want to do) and I could be certified in over a year and not even pay 1/4 of the amount I am going to owe for student loans once I finish my 5-6 years of college. I felt open, vulnerable, like I could do everything and anything, yet so fuckin' confused.... or was I really?
After the training one day, I asked to speak with the facilitator. She had shared her story of how she found Phoenix Rising. She moved to Boulder for Naropa and found this training and realized this was what she truly wanted. Sound familiar? I thought she might offer some insight and I felt that I just needed to talk through what I was feeling. The convo....
Me: "I'm confused. I feel like I'm going through the same thing you did and I know we have our own paths and what not, but I need some advice."
WS: "What would it be like if you didn't know what was going to happen? How does that feel for you?"
Me: after a pause, "I really hate that feeling! I want to know now what direction it is I am suppose to take!"
WS: "Do you have to act on this right now, I mean, can't you sit with it for a bit?"
Me: "I can't believe how uncomfortable this makes me, but yea, I guess I can."
I left that conversation trying to figure out what I was processing, what I was feeling and for the first time, realizing that I can't stand not knowing! That, in my past, I have reacted to things so quickly that I never even give myself a chance to think, or not think, about things. God!! I really couldn't believe it! I literally couldn't stop thinking about this for the rest of the night into the next morning.
So, like all great Sagittarian philosophers, I do my best thinking while taking a nice long shower ;) The next morning it came to me, while showering. Last December I took a trip to Hawaii (this is before I even thought about applying to Naropa). I was invited to sit with a medicine man who was trained in Peru and was hosting this inexplicable solstice ceremony. The ceremony was full of angelic singing, people sharing their stories, and sacred silence to process all that was coming through for us. I kept seeing these visions of Buddha, Buddha heads, the never-ending Buddhist knot.... I was being shown how to let go of my thoughts that cloud my intuitive thinking. It was amazing, but I had no freakin' clue what it meant. Why was I seeing Buddha? What did it mean for me? I wanted to know and couldn't stop thinking about those visions for weeks. Well, in the shower that morning, it hit me! Of course!!!!! I was being shown what was next for me on my path. For those of you who don't know, Naropa is a Buddhist inspired college and the program I am entering into is a Contemplative Psych. program. I applied to the program in late February, and am just NOW realizing the meaning, the KNOWING, of my visions.
My sitting with my new feelings of "what should I do now? What does this mean?" gave light to the unknown and then, I knew. I knew that going to Naropa was my next step. Maybe I will love it, maybe I won't. I DON'T KNOW and that's okay?! It's really ok not to know where I will be tomorrow, who I will be with, if I will love the same things that I love today the same way tomorrow. And, who fucking cares!!!! Right now is really all we have. In this moment, I'm listening to the air conditioning outside my house, watching Chloe chew on a huge branch that has fallen from the tree in the backyard, and I'm breathing the dry, warm Boulder air. Loving it!! Loving this new piece of myself and of life that I have discovered. Finally knowing what it feels like to be ok with not knowing a thing..... now swimming in the unknown refreshing sea. Will I still hate not knowing, probably. But, I think that now I know that not knowing is even more exciting! If we knew everything that was going to happen, then we would have control and the mystery would be out of a job :) I hand it all over to the mystery.... actually, we ARE the mystery......
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Love what you find, find what you love.....
I read this sticker on my water body while practicing yoga this morning.... it ended up being my mantra for the day. What have I found that I love? Do I love what I have found? It brought my awareness to my own being, to where I am today with myself and what I love. Love~ oh, love.... it seems that our mind instantly wanders to the thought of romantic love when we hear the word love. It feels like this dreamy, ungrounded space where the thought of our perfect partner sweeping us away to live happily ever after takes over (at least, this what it feels like in my experience). It reminded me of this amazing realization I came to a few months ago. Keep in mind, I've read what feels like a gazillion self help books on loving yourself, finding the perfect partner, and healing our past wounds to find love. But, for some reason, I FINALLY got it.
My amazing mentor, Char, speaks endlessly about love and being love and self love. It was after one of her classes that it happened. I remember thinking, "holy shit! I get it! I really have to love myself, every single part of myself. Every quirk, every imperfection, EVERYTHING! Every word I speak, every freckle, every time I laugh, the absolute entirety of my being before he is going to show up!! Duh! I've only read this, like I said, a gazillion times! And not only that, when I do love my entire being, my partner will hopefully love his entire being (the whole reflection thing) and then what we share, what we call love, will join and grow together! In that moment, I finally realized that I was ready. Ready to find a partner, ready to experience a "partnership" with the understanding of what it really means... I'm ready!
So, in reading this sticker....love what you find, find what you love.... I had the overwhelming sense that I have found love for myself. The kind of love that sweeps one off their feet, all for myself. I do love what I have found and found what I love completely.
That being said, I am human, and I do fall out of love ocassionally :) The other thought that came to me while repeating this mantra in my head today was, the moment I stop loving myself and go into my self critique is the moment I fall into fear and doubt. It's the moment I start saying to myself "I'll never find someone. I'll never get the job, home, friends I desire." It's in this moment when I stop loving myself that I start hurting myself! WOW! I'll pass on that one....
So, I love that I love myself. I love that I realize it's ok to fall out of love with myself as long as I'm consciously aware of it. And, I love the life that I have created and the beauty that surrounds me. All because I know this outer beauty is a complete reflection of me and you. That this internal, unconditional love is what is reflected back to me through each smile and the brightness in another's eyes. And that with this love, all will be healed....
With love~
Heather
My amazing mentor, Char, speaks endlessly about love and being love and self love. It was after one of her classes that it happened. I remember thinking, "holy shit! I get it! I really have to love myself, every single part of myself. Every quirk, every imperfection, EVERYTHING! Every word I speak, every freckle, every time I laugh, the absolute entirety of my being before he is going to show up!! Duh! I've only read this, like I said, a gazillion times! And not only that, when I do love my entire being, my partner will hopefully love his entire being (the whole reflection thing) and then what we share, what we call love, will join and grow together! In that moment, I finally realized that I was ready. Ready to find a partner, ready to experience a "partnership" with the understanding of what it really means... I'm ready!
So, in reading this sticker....love what you find, find what you love.... I had the overwhelming sense that I have found love for myself. The kind of love that sweeps one off their feet, all for myself. I do love what I have found and found what I love completely.
That being said, I am human, and I do fall out of love ocassionally :) The other thought that came to me while repeating this mantra in my head today was, the moment I stop loving myself and go into my self critique is the moment I fall into fear and doubt. It's the moment I start saying to myself "I'll never find someone. I'll never get the job, home, friends I desire." It's in this moment when I stop loving myself that I start hurting myself! WOW! I'll pass on that one....
So, I love that I love myself. I love that I realize it's ok to fall out of love with myself as long as I'm consciously aware of it. And, I love the life that I have created and the beauty that surrounds me. All because I know this outer beauty is a complete reflection of me and you. That this internal, unconditional love is what is reflected back to me through each smile and the brightness in another's eyes. And that with this love, all will be healed....
With love~
Heather
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Transitions
I wanted to write about my transition to Boulder from Seattle, mainly because it was such a huge leap for me in many ways... as are many of our transitions are in life. Letting go of our old skin to embrace a life we envision for ourselves, perhaps in another part of the world to manifest parts of our destiny through conscious interaction with new beings and new places. For me, I knew Boulder was going to be a stripping down of my outer shell, only to unveil my deepest and truest self. A self that most people, even those who are close to me, don't ever see and have never known. While leaving Florida to experience the Pacific Northwest was my opportunity to turn inward and learn about myself and who I am, Boulder is now the opportunity for me to fully share who am with others, to honor the most sacred parts of myself through sharing. It is an opportunity for me to keep growing and healing so that I may serve others in a more clear, conscious, and open way. The more we all take these leaps and bounds of transformation, the more we contribute to the healing of others, as well as the healing of our beautiful Mother Earth.
During my first hike through Kohler Mesa, at the foothills of the Flatirons, I had an amazing experience. It was my first experience alone surrounded by the beautiful new home I was blessed with. I was completely horrified! What if I got eaten by a mountain lion, or a bear, or even biten by a rattle snake?! Well, first of all, I wasn't that far away from civilization. Many houses sit near the foothills and people are constantly running and hiking on the trails. I felt the tension in my body melt away as I realized the pain and fear I was allowing my mind to create. In that moment, I asked for protection from the land, from my angels and ancestors, and from the wilderness that we are so much a part of... yet, so far removed from. In that beautiful moment, all of my fear melted away along with the sweat pouring out of my skin.
I decided to take a seat on top of a boulder, overlooking a small valley. The powerful flatirons were directly in front of me, their power and strength coursing through my body. I immediately felt their force and it was if I was being told (which I was) that I am that strength. We all carry this power within us, this force of nature, it's what makes us complete. I was no different than the beautiful mountains before me. Closing my eyes, I felt my skin fade away and become part of the mountains, the air, the scent of pine, and the chirping birds. My senses were heightened as the experience of grasshoppers landing on blades of grass drew me further into this space of oneness. The grasshopper, so small yet, so powerful. So, not only was this mountain a reflection of myself, but so was this tiny grasshopper whose song helps to put me to sleep each night.
The mountains kept speaking to me, telling me their story. The ancient ones, the oldest beings on Earth, the rock people. The strength and resilience they embrace, of others climbing all over their skin and yet, they still stand strong. Another reflection.... how others can walk all over us and we have the choice to stand strong, or shrink away. I choose to stand strong and powerful! It was in that moment that I knew I had no choice but to voice who I am. That I needed to stand strong and powerful like the mountains and express who I am completely, there could be no more hiding... after all, do mountains hide?
My hike continued through the enchanted trail. For those of you who don't know, one of my biggest fears are snakes. I had literally just inquired about snakes here and low and behold, I nearly stepped on one while letting a runner pass by me! A rattlesnake at that! I couldn't believe it, but I knew it was a sign. A sign because snakes symbolize transformation and shedding of our old skin. That and I am a snake in Chinese astrology :) I couldn't shake the fear that came along with this encounter. What if that women hadn't been there, I could been bitten and no one would have known! All of these stories, again being played out in my mind.... ah, my mind. That pesky little sucker!! I began being thankful that someone was there and that 10 ft. away was a busy trail. But my mind was trying to bring me out of my present space and back into fear. I was safe, I was protected, and I needed to TRUST!
As I started making my way down, at this point it had been well over an hour since the beginning of my hike, and yes, I took a few wrong turns, but it was amazing! As I was descending, the same feeling came over me as when I was sitting on the Boulder. Thoughts came streaming through me. Thoughts of how disconnected I have been from a place that I call home, nature. I began to look at the trees and their roots I was trying to gently walk over. We are no different than the trees. If you look at a tree and their roots, how they spread outward and downward in to the earth, across the earth.... how all of nature depends on them. Are we any different? How some trees completely shed their old skin in the winter, drawing all of their energy inside to create and share their beauty in the spring. In the winter, being naked and vulnerable to the wind and cold, yet staying grounded and rooted, supported by the earth. How could we think we are different from these one-leggeds that give their lives without permission each day? How could we think that our roots, that spread out into the world through our words and actions be different than these beautiful beings?
And on it went, these sensations and feelings of connection with my home, with nature. The realization of my disconnect from such a sacred space. A space that I once knew while climbing trees when I was little, or sitting under the stars with my Grandpa in the middle of an orange grove, or turtle hunting on the beach. I loved nature when I was growing up, and that love has never left me and never will. The realization that I escape into the material, worrying about all of things that I "should" have, and forgetting that everything I need is right outside the back door, and even closer than that, right inside my heart. And, we all carry this sacred space. This connection with the unseen and the connection with nature. She teaches us so much, all we have to do is stop and listen... stop and feel.... stop and honor that place within as well as that place without.
My wish is that I can help others to find their own sacred space. To see that we are all here to help one another find the beauty that we seek "out there", by knowing we hold that beauty within our entire beings. My wish is that we all know we are not alone. We have angels, we have ancestors, we have intuition, our higher power, and most of all, we have each other. We cannot do anything alone and we are only harming ourselves by not expressing our true selves, by not using our voice and gifts. My wish is that my family and friends get to know all parts of me.... the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the cousin, and the granddaughter.... the healer, the lightworker, the poet, the dancer, the shamanic practitioner, the oracle reader. To let go of the labels and truly get to know me, this is the inspiration for my blog. And in turn, I hope this opens the many doors to each of your hearts, so that I may continue to learn and grow from you. From this space, may our stories continue.....
Love & light~
Heather Leah
Blazing Sky
During my first hike through Kohler Mesa, at the foothills of the Flatirons, I had an amazing experience. It was my first experience alone surrounded by the beautiful new home I was blessed with. I was completely horrified! What if I got eaten by a mountain lion, or a bear, or even biten by a rattle snake?! Well, first of all, I wasn't that far away from civilization. Many houses sit near the foothills and people are constantly running and hiking on the trails. I felt the tension in my body melt away as I realized the pain and fear I was allowing my mind to create. In that moment, I asked for protection from the land, from my angels and ancestors, and from the wilderness that we are so much a part of... yet, so far removed from. In that beautiful moment, all of my fear melted away along with the sweat pouring out of my skin.
I decided to take a seat on top of a boulder, overlooking a small valley. The powerful flatirons were directly in front of me, their power and strength coursing through my body. I immediately felt their force and it was if I was being told (which I was) that I am that strength. We all carry this power within us, this force of nature, it's what makes us complete. I was no different than the beautiful mountains before me. Closing my eyes, I felt my skin fade away and become part of the mountains, the air, the scent of pine, and the chirping birds. My senses were heightened as the experience of grasshoppers landing on blades of grass drew me further into this space of oneness. The grasshopper, so small yet, so powerful. So, not only was this mountain a reflection of myself, but so was this tiny grasshopper whose song helps to put me to sleep each night.
The mountains kept speaking to me, telling me their story. The ancient ones, the oldest beings on Earth, the rock people. The strength and resilience they embrace, of others climbing all over their skin and yet, they still stand strong. Another reflection.... how others can walk all over us and we have the choice to stand strong, or shrink away. I choose to stand strong and powerful! It was in that moment that I knew I had no choice but to voice who I am. That I needed to stand strong and powerful like the mountains and express who I am completely, there could be no more hiding... after all, do mountains hide?
My hike continued through the enchanted trail. For those of you who don't know, one of my biggest fears are snakes. I had literally just inquired about snakes here and low and behold, I nearly stepped on one while letting a runner pass by me! A rattlesnake at that! I couldn't believe it, but I knew it was a sign. A sign because snakes symbolize transformation and shedding of our old skin. That and I am a snake in Chinese astrology :) I couldn't shake the fear that came along with this encounter. What if that women hadn't been there, I could been bitten and no one would have known! All of these stories, again being played out in my mind.... ah, my mind. That pesky little sucker!! I began being thankful that someone was there and that 10 ft. away was a busy trail. But my mind was trying to bring me out of my present space and back into fear. I was safe, I was protected, and I needed to TRUST!
As I started making my way down, at this point it had been well over an hour since the beginning of my hike, and yes, I took a few wrong turns, but it was amazing! As I was descending, the same feeling came over me as when I was sitting on the Boulder. Thoughts came streaming through me. Thoughts of how disconnected I have been from a place that I call home, nature. I began to look at the trees and their roots I was trying to gently walk over. We are no different than the trees. If you look at a tree and their roots, how they spread outward and downward in to the earth, across the earth.... how all of nature depends on them. Are we any different? How some trees completely shed their old skin in the winter, drawing all of their energy inside to create and share their beauty in the spring. In the winter, being naked and vulnerable to the wind and cold, yet staying grounded and rooted, supported by the earth. How could we think we are different from these one-leggeds that give their lives without permission each day? How could we think that our roots, that spread out into the world through our words and actions be different than these beautiful beings?
And on it went, these sensations and feelings of connection with my home, with nature. The realization of my disconnect from such a sacred space. A space that I once knew while climbing trees when I was little, or sitting under the stars with my Grandpa in the middle of an orange grove, or turtle hunting on the beach. I loved nature when I was growing up, and that love has never left me and never will. The realization that I escape into the material, worrying about all of things that I "should" have, and forgetting that everything I need is right outside the back door, and even closer than that, right inside my heart. And, we all carry this sacred space. This connection with the unseen and the connection with nature. She teaches us so much, all we have to do is stop and listen... stop and feel.... stop and honor that place within as well as that place without.
My wish is that I can help others to find their own sacred space. To see that we are all here to help one another find the beauty that we seek "out there", by knowing we hold that beauty within our entire beings. My wish is that we all know we are not alone. We have angels, we have ancestors, we have intuition, our higher power, and most of all, we have each other. We cannot do anything alone and we are only harming ourselves by not expressing our true selves, by not using our voice and gifts. My wish is that my family and friends get to know all parts of me.... the daughter, the sister, the aunt, the cousin, and the granddaughter.... the healer, the lightworker, the poet, the dancer, the shamanic practitioner, the oracle reader. To let go of the labels and truly get to know me, this is the inspiration for my blog. And in turn, I hope this opens the many doors to each of your hearts, so that I may continue to learn and grow from you. From this space, may our stories continue.....
Love & light~
Heather Leah
Blazing Sky
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