I don't know about you, but I hate not "knowing". I don't think I even realized how much I don't appreciate the unknown until someone asked me what it would be like if I didn't know something I was pondering. So, the story goes.....
I took a Phoenix Rising Yoga Therapy training course over last weekend. It was amazing! I met some amazing women and my new community continued to grow and offer me support in my new transition. What I wasn't expected was this feeling of "oh man! This is another thing I want to do! It feels right and now what? I came her to attend Naropa and earn a degree in Psychology....". I've come to realize that I am a person who acts, or reacts immediately. When I sense that something is right, or what I want, I tend to go for it instead of sitting on it for a bit. This can be beneficial in some ways, but it usually fucks with me and I end up allowing the reacting to take over the present moment and what I am doing NOW. So, I felt torn. I started to question Naropa and why I would pay so much for an education when I could take this training, basically doing somatic therapy with people (which is what I want to do) and I could be certified in over a year and not even pay 1/4 of the amount I am going to owe for student loans once I finish my 5-6 years of college. I felt open, vulnerable, like I could do everything and anything, yet so fuckin' confused.... or was I really?
After the training one day, I asked to speak with the facilitator. She had shared her story of how she found Phoenix Rising. She moved to Boulder for Naropa and found this training and realized this was what she truly wanted. Sound familiar? I thought she might offer some insight and I felt that I just needed to talk through what I was feeling. The convo....
Me: "I'm confused. I feel like I'm going through the same thing you did and I know we have our own paths and what not, but I need some advice."
WS: "What would it be like if you didn't know what was going to happen? How does that feel for you?"
Me: after a pause, "I really hate that feeling! I want to know now what direction it is I am suppose to take!"
WS: "Do you have to act on this right now, I mean, can't you sit with it for a bit?"
Me: "I can't believe how uncomfortable this makes me, but yea, I guess I can."
I left that conversation trying to figure out what I was processing, what I was feeling and for the first time, realizing that I can't stand not knowing! That, in my past, I have reacted to things so quickly that I never even give myself a chance to think, or not think, about things. God!! I really couldn't believe it! I literally couldn't stop thinking about this for the rest of the night into the next morning.
So, like all great Sagittarian philosophers, I do my best thinking while taking a nice long shower ;) The next morning it came to me, while showering. Last December I took a trip to Hawaii (this is before I even thought about applying to Naropa). I was invited to sit with a medicine man who was trained in Peru and was hosting this inexplicable solstice ceremony. The ceremony was full of angelic singing, people sharing their stories, and sacred silence to process all that was coming through for us. I kept seeing these visions of Buddha, Buddha heads, the never-ending Buddhist knot.... I was being shown how to let go of my thoughts that cloud my intuitive thinking. It was amazing, but I had no freakin' clue what it meant. Why was I seeing Buddha? What did it mean for me? I wanted to know and couldn't stop thinking about those visions for weeks. Well, in the shower that morning, it hit me! Of course!!!!! I was being shown what was next for me on my path. For those of you who don't know, Naropa is a Buddhist inspired college and the program I am entering into is a Contemplative Psych. program. I applied to the program in late February, and am just NOW realizing the meaning, the KNOWING, of my visions.
My sitting with my new feelings of "what should I do now? What does this mean?" gave light to the unknown and then, I knew. I knew that going to Naropa was my next step. Maybe I will love it, maybe I won't. I DON'T KNOW and that's okay?! It's really ok not to know where I will be tomorrow, who I will be with, if I will love the same things that I love today the same way tomorrow. And, who fucking cares!!!! Right now is really all we have. In this moment, I'm listening to the air conditioning outside my house, watching Chloe chew on a huge branch that has fallen from the tree in the backyard, and I'm breathing the dry, warm Boulder air. Loving it!! Loving this new piece of myself and of life that I have discovered. Finally knowing what it feels like to be ok with not knowing a thing..... now swimming in the unknown refreshing sea. Will I still hate not knowing, probably. But, I think that now I know that not knowing is even more exciting! If we knew everything that was going to happen, then we would have control and the mystery would be out of a job :) I hand it all over to the mystery.... actually, we ARE the mystery......
